Leave It Where It Belongs

And she thought that
maybe, if she would keep silent
if she would erase herself
if she would be a good girl
if she would be kind,
if she would be nice
if she would become invisible
if she would say sorry
over and over again
even for the mistakes of others
then maybe,
they wouldn’t blame her

She tried and tried for so many years
but they continued to blame her
They blamed her for their issues,
their bad mood and for their misery

It was only when she started
to like and be her true self
and did not apologize
for that no more
that she realized,
they could blame her always for anything
the only question is
does she take the blame on her
or does she leave it with them


Choose Yourself First

I chose many things
many people and situations

When I was a small kid
I chose to be a good girl
I chose to be loyal to my father
even when he physically
and emotionally abused me

I chose to be loyal to my mother
even when she didn’t choose me
I chose to take care of her
even when that meant
that I couldn’t be a child myself

I chose to be loyal to my teachers
and to be the best student
so I wouldn’t disappoint

I chose to be loyal to my husband
even when I didn’t truly love him
and he beat the hell out of me

I chose to be a good friend
to always reach out an helping hand
even when I had nothing left to offer

I chose many things,
many people and situations
But somehow in the process
I forgot to choose myself
so I couldn’t be chosen by others


Owning Your Space

As a little kid there was always
the threat
of the unpredictable rage of her father
He didn’t need a reason to beat her up
Nowhere she was safe
not even under the sheets
in her own bed

As she longed for a safe place
she took all the coins
from her money box
and went on her own to the store
to buy a lock for her door

But her father was like a wild monster
when violent rage came over him
that the lock on the door of her bedroom
could not protect her from
He just thundered through

So then she withdrew more and more
and made her own space very small
a small corner within herself
with walls around it
was all what was left

And also later in life
many people violently invaded her
Until she learned that
in order to keep her space safe and protected
she didn’t need to put a lock,
nor did she need to withdraw

But she needed to make her space bigger
She needed to own it
Instead of fear, she filled up
her space with true love
and let its strong and bright
burning torches protect her


Union Within

I am the strong woman
And I am a shy girl
I am optimistic
and can drown in deep despair
I am courageous and open
I am closed off
and shaken with fear
I am adventurous, sociable
And I am a loner

I always thought that
to become whole within me
All the time I need to be
that strong, expressive woman
And make the other pieces of me
But then I realized,
to be whole is to accept and acknowledge
all those different pieces
to unite them within me
and don’t see them separated

And maybe I am all, maybe I am none
I am the presence behind it
that observes and writes about this

I am the poetess
and I am my poetry
I am your beloved
and I am the poet
My beloved is in me

(As within, so without)


Ocean Of Peace 

I float in my own ocean
An endless space
of peace
and love
Carried by the waves
Water that is deep
and calm
And I am filled with grace

Though then the thoughts arise:
‘What if the storm is real
and this is just a dream’
‘What if dark clouds will push the sun away’
‘What if the waters will be rough again
And I will sink in deep’

My fears arise and make
Ripples in the water
On the surface
Of my ocean

Then I hear
a voice from within:
‘It is up to you
Do you let the sharks come in
Do you make
them appear
or disappear’
I choose.

I fall back in my own ocean
This endless space
of peace
and love
Carried by the waves
Water that is deep
and calm
And no sharks any near