What I Want To Listen To

May I lie in your arms
and rest in the sound
of your heartbeat
to know that
I don’t need to close
my eyes to see dreams
for real
And no matter how much noise
the world makes
how loud my thoughts,
my headaches
it’s only your strong heartbeat
I listen to
it’s our calming song, our hopes
I hear


What Makes A Poem Beautiful

And sometimes a poem
doesn’t have beautiful words
but the F-word is smashed
into it
screaming with anger with the world
hurt and raw, naked ‘I miss you’s’
stand lonely in the empty spaces
in between
and tears drop from the letters
like waterfalls
But what still makes it beautiful is
it is written with the indelible ink
of love



When I go through a hardship
though I try to make
the best of it
and deep down I know I can,
I know I will
Yet can you hold my hand
can I tell you I’m scared
will you leap with me together
by my side
when despite my fears
despite I’m feeling broken
I take my steps


Seeing Me

Will you see me beautiful, my love
even if people see me as their worst enemy
if they project their own dirt,
all their ugliness on me
and they cover me with their hatred

Can you lend me your eyes to remove their lies
and to see myself again


Say A Prayer

And here I sit outside
with my back against a wall
Pain makes it so hard
to move and to breathe
Yet the sun shines on my face
and I soak the light in

My love, did you send the sun to me
did you ask it to find me
straight through the dark
and heavy clouds

Was it the answer to the prayer
you said
or was it mine that asked for you?

The light has found me
and touches, kisses my face
But it also makes the darkness
of the pain
so visible, so palpable

But continue to pray, my love
I continue to pray
even though it now hurts so much
It is the light that will heal


Brave Love

When headaches and fears
project ghosts on the dark
screen of the night
and alone feels suddenly so lonely
my bed too big, and I’m too small
I think of you bravely
and let the love between our hearts
beam stars, beam light
into the darkness


The Illusion Of Separation

Hell isn’t a place
somewhere in the afterlife
But it’s suffering
here on earth
It’s the deepest soul pain
of what is one
but is perceived as
cut in two
Divine love counterparts
with sea, land
stories and silence
between them
It’s missing you
– my best friend,
my everything –
sensed like a paralyzing,
burning pain
in my body
Hell is the illusion
of separation


Short Circuit

Lay your hand on my forehead
to calm down the aching fire
of a fierce migraine
as my brain short-circuits
every movement,
every thought hurts
Calm it down with your hand
the way only your loving palm
your loving fingers,
your loving heart,
can ease
make it dark before my eyes
and touch me
into a soft, pain free sleep


Such A Cold Night

A night in Spring
can feel like a night in Winter
when it feels so cold
in bed and I shiver
with missing you

And if you were here now
your arms could warm me
your legs could hold
my feet

But you are there,
somewhere far
and instead, you whisper
love into my heart
to keep the flame burning
and to help me to believe
in Spring


When Pixels Lie

Sometimes, when I see you
on the screen
and I look only with my eyes at you
when I forget to look with my heart
everything is painful
as if every pixel is
a thousand miles distance
the ocean between us filled
with tears of missing you


When The Ghosts Of The Night Haunt Me

I am so scared at times
When the ghosts of the night
haunt me
and it is between me and God

When I think of all that I’ve lost
To be without a family
To have nothing to hold on to
but the truth in my heart

And then I can only pray
and I pray for the ones that have
hurt and abused me
I pray for myself, my children
and I pray for you, my love, always
I pray for us

I pray the dark, the fear away
until the light within catches me
the angels, God, you catch me
as I pray myself back into trust


The Image

Her family had made a picture of her
They had depicted her in such ugly words
It broke her heart
And she stood next to the picture
and wanted to tell them
that the one in the image wasn’t her
that she has a good heart
that she has beauty inside
but they only fixated on the picture
and didn’t even notice her
So then she decided to distance
herself from the image
and to walk away from
the ones who took the shot

Instead she looked at the image
that her beloved has of her
in his heart


Since I Miss You

I could miss someone
after a goodbye
I could miss the sun
on a cloudy day
I could miss Summer
when Autumn arrived
I missed loved ones
when they died

But still, I didn’t know
a depth of missing
so raw and painful
as if the other half of me
has been cut off
For I only truly know
what missing is
since I came to miss you


What Survives

You lie on the ground
like dead
– how many times
have you died
like this –
You lift your head
and look around
everything is
as white as paper
Nothing there
Nothing to see
No words
Are these the wide fields
of loneliness?
Your body aches
You hurt
Did you lose everything
Did you lose yourself
and now you’re nothing but
a heap of pain?

But then,
you go to your heart
you feel your beloved
you sense him
and you know
you still have love
you still have all


Dear Mother

I realize, I don’t really know you
as you mostly disappeared
and became invisible

You left me as a new born of only
a few weeks old
You left me to the hands of my father
while you knew they beat me

Later you came back
but only your body returned
Emotionally, you never have been there

You were like the walls of the house
that silently watched and witnessed
all the abuse
but never did anything to protect

Though when he beat you
I immediately jumped in between
to protect you
and begged him to take me instead
You allowed it to happen

As a small child I became your mother
I took your burden on me
and therefore, could never be
a child myself

Also, later in life you didn’t choose me
you couldn’t see me for who I am
and made me feel bad and guilty
when I chose myself, chose my visibility

I give it back to you now,
the burden, the responsibility
of your pain,
of taking care of you,
of protecting you
of making you happy

I free you, I free myself
of my expectations
that you could be a mother for me
I know, you tried your best
you had your own struggles
and you never had a good
example yourself

I wish you the very best
I hope you’ll find your own light
that I have always seen in you
I hope you’ll find the courage
to stand up in life
and become visible for yourself

I love you
I always have and always will
I hope it will free you, free me
as we both go separate ways


Dear Father

I am sorry I was born with you
where you wished
I never had been born
I am sorry for expecting
you to be the father that you couldn’t be
I am sorry for expecting love
that you weren’t able to give me
I let go of any expectations now

You did your best to cope in life
even when for you a way of coping
was using physical
and emotional violence
I know you were in pain yourself
when you attacked me as a child

I know you were in pain
when you attacked me
and my children last Friday
Behind your aggression
I saw the hurt in your eyes

And even after all
Even when the horror happened
and I needed to hand you over
to the police to protect us
I still loved you
I still love you

I wish you well
more than well
I hope the cord between us loosens
and we both will be free
without each other

I never have wanted this
for I ever only wanted love