When The Ghosts Of The Night Haunt Me

I am so scared at times
When the ghosts of the night
haunt me
and it is between me and God

When I think of all that I’ve lost
To be without a family
To have nothing to hold on to
but the truth in my heart

And then I can only pray
and I pray for the ones that have
hurt and abused me
I pray for myself, my children
and I pray for you, my love, always
I pray for us

I pray the dark, the fear away
until the light within catches me
the angels, God, you catch me
as I pray myself back into trust

©RoseGirl2020

The Image

Her family had made a picture of her
They had depicted her in such ugly words
It broke her heart
And she stood next to the picture
and wanted to tell them
that the one in the image wasn’t her
that she has a good heart
that she has beauty inside
but they only fixated on the picture
and didn’t even notice her
So then she decided to distance
herself from the image
and to walk away from
the ones who took the shot

Instead she looked at the image
that her beloved has of her
in his heart

©RoseGirl2020

Since I Miss You

I could miss someone
after a goodbye
I could miss the sun
on a cloudy day
I could miss Summer
when Autumn arrived
I missed loved ones
when they died

But still, I didn’t know
a depth of missing
so raw and painful
as if the other half of me
has been cut off
For I only truly know
what missing is
since I came to miss you

©RoseGirl2020

What Survives

You lie on the ground
like dead
– how many times
have you died
like this –
You lift your head
and look around
everything is
as white as paper
Nothing there
Nothing to see
No words
Are these the wide fields
of loneliness?
Your body aches
You hurt
Did you lose everything
Did you lose yourself
and now you’re nothing but
a heap of pain?

But then,
you go to your heart
you feel your beloved
you sense him
and you know
you still have love
you still have all

©RoseGirl2020

Dear Mother

I realize, I don’t really know you
as you mostly disappeared
and became invisible

You left me as a new born of only
a few weeks old
You left me to the hands of my father
while you knew they beat me

Later you came back
but only your body returned
Emotionally, you never have been there

You were like the walls of the house
that silently watched and witnessed
all the abuse
but never did anything to protect

Though when he beat you
I immediately jumped in between
to protect you
and begged him to take me instead
You allowed it to happen

As a small child I became your mother
I took your burden on me
and therefore, could never be
a child myself

Also, later in life you didn’t choose me
you couldn’t see me for who I am
and made me feel bad and guilty
when I chose myself, chose my visibility

I give it back to you now,
the burden, the responsibility
of your pain,
of taking care of you,
of protecting you
of making you happy

I free you, I free myself
of my expectations
that you could be a mother for me
I know, you tried your best
you had your own struggles
and you never had a good
example yourself

I wish you the very best
I hope you’ll find your own light
that I have always seen in you
I hope you’ll find the courage
to stand up in life
and become visible for yourself

I love you
I always have and always will
I hope it will free you, free me
as we both go separate ways

©RoseGirl2020

Dear Father

I am sorry I was born with you
where you wished
I never had been born
I am sorry for expecting
you to be the father that you couldn’t be
I am sorry for expecting love
that you weren’t able to give me
I let go of any expectations now

You did your best to cope in life
even when for you a way of coping
was using physical
and emotional violence
I know you were in pain yourself
when you attacked me as a child

I know you were in pain
when you attacked me
and my children last Friday
Behind your aggression
I saw the hurt in your eyes

And even after all
Even when the horror happened
and I needed to hand you over
to the police to protect us
I still loved you
I still love you

I wish you well
more than well
I hope the cord between us loosens
and we both will be free
without each other

I never have wanted this
for I ever only wanted love

©RoseGirl2020

Raw

And I could scream now,
the deep ache
I could smash it into words
and into a poem
Raw love, raw pain

I could scatter it around
I could roar it,
the missing you
I could make my lines
thunder and shake
crawl and howl

But instead,
I hold my cup of coffee
and stare
I hold my breath

And not even my tears
want to come out
to relieve my heart

©RoseGirl2020

Keep My Smile Safe

Will you keep my smile safe for me
for I’m afraid to lose it
My laughter, my light dancing steps
Store it carefully in your heart

When life’s challenges keep
crashing onto me
like tidal waves that brutally
seem to take it all away

Please keep my smile safe for me
So I can always find it back with you

©RoseGirl2020

Rocking Tears

Tears drop down
while Metallica’s
‘Nothing else matters’
is on the radio

Those free flowing
rocking tears
that know love so deeply
that they don’t care about
what others
may think no more
as the only truth
that matters
is in the heart

Tears that rock
for they miss you so much
They could shout it
over rooftops
Raw and powerful
How much they love you

They laugh and ache
and dance and scream
those rocking tears

©RoseGirl2019

The Healing Waters Of Poetry

When the pain of missing you
becomes almost unbearable
and is like a knife that pierces
my chest
When my mind can only think
in miles that lie between us
in words that haven’t been said
When my eyes only see
a big ocean before me
that separates two continents
and my heart cries yearning tears
then I dive into the healing
waters of poetry
to be together with you
in flowing words of love

©RoseGirl2019

I’m Still Holding On

A day that feels like a heavy stone
I try to lift it
But it falls out of my hands
The whole world rests on my shoulders
And I can’t get my feet off the ground
to dance
The tears are stuck in my heart
They don’t want to flow through my eyes
I try to write but the words don’t want to move
A ship of poetry that sinks with its poetess on it
And yet, my darling, as I promised
you, myself
I’m still holding on to love

©RoseGirl2019

Lost In Lisbon

Rain in sun shiny Lisbon
Wherever I go my tears follow me
I try to seek you in my words,
in every corner, every street,
in the movement of the city
the flow of the river,
in shop windows,
in wine and in fado, in poetry

And I know, I won’t find you there
for first, I have to find you within
to see you without
But sometimes, there is just
this big sea of tears between us
That makes me float away from myself and thus
from you

©RoseGirl2019

A Restless Seeker

There are moments that are perfect
when I feel you so strongly with me
as though you were here
Your energy as a presence
around me and within
That makes me feel complete
and deeply in love

And there are moments when
energy is not enough
And I crave for your physical presence
To feel your arms, your skin
Your body
To hear your voice directly
To smell you and look into your eyes

And then I’m a restless seeker
Cut into two pieces
Soul pain that is physically felt
A body that is homesick
And I could scream, run
look everywhere
for you, my other half
The way Isis sought
her Osiris
The way Juliet grieved over
her Romeo
And then I’m just an earthly
character in our story
And can do nothing but
to wait for angel wings
to save me once again
as they let me rise above
the illusive world

©RoseGirl2019

To Another Universe

My head explodes with headaches
that blow up my mind
and suck me
into a black hole of nauseous pain

My love, with your arms around me
Let’s float away
to another universe
Where pain does not exist
And where together we count
the shooting stars
that fall as blessings upon us

And where what is One
will remain One always

©RoseGirl2019

Burning Pain

A fire burns me down
I am the Notre Dame
My structure falls apart
My tower collapses
Brutal, burning pain
rages through my temple
There is nothing left to do now
but to pray

But see, my altar of love
is still standing
My holy grail for you is saved
And if everything inside me is ashes,
rebuild me with your hands
let your love be my foundation
from which I can rise again

©RoseGirl2019

When Poetry Cannot Soothe

I miss you so much, my love
Sometimes it almost drives me nuts
This feeling of missing you
that no tear can cry off my heart

Though I always feel you with me,
it’s the look of your eyes
The embrace of your arms
that I want to see and feel
And that I miss so much

And I could try now to make
a beautiful poem of it
To take some metaphors
But sometimes reality
is not that poetic
And poetry cannot soothe
an ‘I miss you’

©RoseGirl2019

The Days Without You

My love, the days without you
are empty spaces,
I can’t fill up with words no more
The days without you
are like sand that slips through
my fingers,
happiness I can’t truly hold
Even the heavy, solid tears
that drop from my eyes
leak through

My days, my hands,
empty, bottomless
as they want to hold you

©RoseGirl2019

On The Ruins

The earth shook,
wept, screamed
and burst of pain
The town came down
Only ruins remained
And this morning
it is so quiet that
you can hear tears fall

But why, oh why
does the sun still rise
why oh why does it make
the light dance
that shines on
the broken pieces

It is love that can’t stop to love
that comes as the wind,
strokes her face,
caresses her wounds
and moves her once again
to get up

©RoseGirl2019

Down On My Knees

When in the darkest of the night
you lie down on the ground
With swords stabbed in your back
Wounded and unarmed
All what is left is to surrender
to die and to shed
another layer of you
To turn your head to the side
to look at the rising light
of the dawn on the horizon
For there’s a power
much greater than you

©RoseGirl2019

Underwater

And I roar underwater,
scream in air bubbles,
shout in slow-motion,
cry a sea of tears

Heaven is a blurred image
above me
And the ocean around
is wide and deep

Please help me find
the sunken city of Atlantis
and let us raise
out of the waters
paradise anew

©RoseGirl2019

Phantom Pain

And while I lie in my bed
and I stare in the dark
I try to find you everywhere

I search in memories,
in my heartbreak
I even feel with my hand
next to me in the bed

My body aches
as I suffer from phantom pain
I’ve been amputated
of my other half
Part of my soul
that has been cut off
And I just want it
to be whole again

©RoseGirl2019

Heartbreaking

There is always the whisper inside
that says ‘I miss you’
I try to cover it with optimistic poetry
But sometimes,
it is a heartbreaking scream
That, with all its force,
breaks through the ceiling
And leaves me wretched
among shattered pieces of
heart and words

©RoseGirl2019

My Head To Rest On Your Chest

Please wipe away my tears, my love
And caress my bleeding heart in your hands
May I lay my heavy head to rest on your chest
May I sink into the comfort of the sound
of your heartbeat in my ear
My naked skin on yours
And your arms holding me
Until the night will pass
And the sun will shine again
Until there are no tears left
And my head and heart
can get up by themselves again

©RoseGirl2019

Homesick

The sky burns
in pink and orange this morning
A nauseous longing
inside of me
A headache knocks
strongly in my head
as my thoughts
scream out for you
My lungs
have a hard time to breathe
A pull in my soul
towards you
And on my cheeks
bittersweet tears

I am exhausted
of the journey
and sick
In my craving for home

©RoseGirl2019