Dear Mother

I realize, I don’t really know you
as you mostly disappeared
and became invisible

You left me as a new born of only
a few weeks old
You left me to the hands of my father
while you knew they beat me

Later you came back
but only your body returned
Emotionally, you never have been there

You were like the walls of the house
that silently watched and witnessed
all the abuse
but never did anything to protect

Though when he beat you
I immediately jumped in between
to protect you
and begged him to take me instead
You allowed it to happen

As a small child I became your mother
I took your burden on me
and therefore, could never be
a child myself

Also, later in life you didn’t choose me
you couldn’t see me for who I am
and made me feel bad and guilty
when I chose myself, chose my visibility

I give it back to you now,
the burden, the responsibility
of your pain,
of taking care of you,
of protecting you
of making you happy

I free you, I free myself
of my expectations
that you could be a mother for me
I know, you tried your best
you had your own struggles
and you never had a good
example yourself

I wish you the very best
I hope you’ll find your own light
that I have always seen in you
I hope you’ll find the courage
to stand up in life
and become visible for yourself

I love you
I always have and always will
I hope it will free you, free me
as we both go separate ways


Dear Father

I am sorry I was born with you
where you wished
I never had been born
I am sorry for expecting
you to be the father that you couldn’t be
I am sorry for expecting love
that you weren’t able to give me
I let go of any expectations now

You did your best to cope in life
even when for you a way of coping
was using physical
and emotional violence
I know you were in pain yourself
when you attacked me as a child

I know you were in pain
when you attacked me
and my children last Friday
Behind your aggression
I saw the hurt in your eyes

And even after all
Even when the horror happened
and I needed to hand you over
to the police to protect us
I still loved you
I still love you

I wish you well
more than well
I hope the cord between us loosens
and we both will be free
without each other

I never have wanted this
for I ever only wanted love


Amor Fati

I watch the clouds float by in the sky
and think of how life flows
The story of you and me that
unfolds itself
Every event that carries meaning

Even in pain light can be found
In tears lies healing
And missing you is just love
The stronger the feelings
the deeper it goes

In life there’s no regret,
no guilt, no victimhood
But just lessons to learn
An expansion of self
and soul growth

My heart that is fated to you,
fated to love
Only learns to love you
more and more