Dear Mother

I realize, I don’t really know you
as you mostly disappeared
and became invisible

You left me as a new born of only
a few weeks old
You left me to the hands of my father
while you knew they beat me

Later you came back
but only your body returned
Emotionally, you never have been there

You were like the walls of the house
that silently watched and witnessed
all the abuse
but never did anything to protect

Though when he beat you
I immediately jumped in between
to protect you
and begged him to take me instead
You allowed it to happen

As a small child I became your mother
I took your burden on me
and therefore, could never be
a child myself

Also, later in life you didn’t choose me
you couldn’t see me for who I am
and made me feel bad and guilty
when I chose myself, chose my visibility

I give it back to you now,
the burden, the responsibility
of your pain,
of taking care of you,
of protecting you
of making you happy

I free you, I free myself
of my expectations
that you could be a mother for me
I know, you tried your best
you had your own struggles
and you never had a good
example yourself

I wish you the very best
I hope you’ll find your own light
that I have always seen in you
I hope you’ll find the courage
to stand up in life
and become visible for yourself

I love you
I always have and always will
I hope it will free you, free me
as we both go separate ways