When Christmas Lost Its Magic

When the days
get darker and colder
And Christmas decorations
start to appear
I wonder,

Why do people beat and shout
And then sit in the church
And praise God?

Why did they tell me
It is not allowed
to tell lies
And then they made me believe
in Santa Claus?

And if Santa Claus doesn’t exist
– A man I loved sincerely,
I felt deeply betrayed
when they admitted
they had fooled me-
Does then God exist
Or did they make him up
And do I love a fantasy?

Is Christmas going to be
heavy and lonely again
With painful, decorated illusions
Without you here
Or do I fear a past
that isn’t the future?

Why did they tell me
what I saw and felt
as a sensitive child
was not true
And instead they wanted me
to believe their own lies
about a happy family
Lies, they wanted to believe themselves?

And if my reality has been denied
Are my dreams then real
If my existence has been ignored
Do I then exist?

Why did he say
after he beat me
I had imagined it
And when I thought differently
It was my own fault?

What is a lie
And what is the truth
What is honesty
Is the truth literally
Or is it a story
with a hidden meaning
underneath?

Can I trust true love
And what I feel inside
Despite Christmas lost its magic
And in the past
they told me too many lies?

Or is it that
Christmas lost its magic
But in fact,
my heart never did?

©RoseGirl2018